28th July

So this is probably one of the worst days of my life. About a week ago, i split up with my boyfriend of 2 years. He said he was'nt happy anymore. The week afterwards i felt not too bad, a few bad moments, but that's fine. I honestly could'nt beleive how strong i was, so much has happened, and look at me. I was proud of myself. Then about 3 nights ago, i broke down, i honestly could not see the point in anything, i just could'nt understand, why so many bad things had happened. But i went to bed and got up the next day feeling better. Untill today, i stayed up the whole of last night chatting to him online, i honestly felt great, he was telling me about this girl, how much they had in common, that she was pretty, except he never wanted a relationship with anyone, as i was in a good mood i thought it dosent make sense not to. Some days i feel positive about everything, others not a thing. So i was on my positive about everything - whats the worst that could happen, never say never, you've got nothing to loose - blah blah. So i kept pushing, just go out with her, meet up. He proved lots of times he didnt want a relationship. I asked to see her (bad idea) and when he sent me a picture, i dont know what happened, maybe seeing her showed me it was real, and i couldnt bare it. So, i wanted to do some research, i viewed comments from her to him, this is what hurt the most. I was never mentioned once... example? One day, i was out the back having a fag, he was out with me, the cat ran out we thought he had got caught up in grass, then i screamed hes taking a fit. he went to the vets and was fine and so on. But in the comment to her, it was said, he was in the garden getting the washing in, and that he realised the cat was in actual fact taking a fit. I mean i may be paranoid, but from a man that has never took washing in in his life, i found it sorta funny. Maybe he left me because he liked her, and that was the killer.
I thought, what a fool. We had a talk, some how i seemed to be the bad one for thinking this, really? but we sorted it out, and he just said it to get the point across, and he's sorry for not saying my name and so on. So, we agreed to like talk later online again, he's still not on, which is crap, because i can't sleep untill i can talk nicely to him.
I feel so stupid for still being all worried about how he feels and things, when he was the one that left me, as in, does he even care... kinda thing. I really can't stand the feelings and the pain i have. I feel like a right idiot for writing all these gay things, but im only human after all. I'm just so pleased i have music, its always helps a little.

Eventually

Got a letter for an appointment at a counceller, but its took so long, i wonder if theres any point i mean ive managed this long without anyones help

hmmm

Do not stand at my grave and weep;

I am not there. I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry;

I am not there. I did not die.

That was what was read when we scattered his ashes, i just found it. And it sort of brought everything back. It's been a while. I may have wrote things abous Jason on this, maybe nice things. I cant remember. But all these things have now changed. I'm not going to go into them. But i really don't think he took anything from Robert. Not a thing. Hes a pathetic stupid man. I have been feeling all weird emotions recently, due to what hes done. I'm not completely myself, havent been for a while. I listen to mucis all the time, and i can now say every song i listen to brings a memory of him. I was in the car with my mum the other day, and Katy Perry was on. And i kept laughing of wee things he used to to, like when it rained and he was driving, he would not turn the windowwipers on for so long, as if he was seeing how long he could go without them, and the time he was drunk and fell on me, i was like 8 he thought it was hilarious and i couldnt breathe but i laughed so much, and the time me him and kevin sat in the garden, all day. They were drinking, i was young, but i honestly had the best day ever. We sat on a blanket in the garden. I loved it. And i kept laughing in the car, and i though, great i have now got to the point where i could laugh about him. But that cant be because im crying now.
I am going to the tattoo convention in London in September, i was thinking i would maybe get a cowboy for Robert and an Indian for Kevin. Because Robert always had cowboy hats and stuff. And Kevin dressed as an Indian. I'm not sure though. I'll see at the time.

It's been a while

since i last wrote on here. Been hard but getting better at the same time, the hardest part was Charley's communion, it was lovely and all, but just simply not the same without him. I'm sure he was there in a way. I'm going to move on because writing about it is ever so hard.
I've just been doing nothing, watching big brother, people being stupid, it is ever so entertaining though.
I'm away now, i simply have nothing to say

what a world

So, i'm not sure if i mentioned this, but i had an interview at Ayr college, to do an NC Performing Arts course, i was really excited about this course as it's what i really want to do, and make it my future. So on the day of the interview i got all nicely dressed, make up to perfection and hair. My mum gave me a good luck thing, it was a wee tiny golf man, that came from my Uncle Robert's birthday cake. So that was nice. The interview never went well, as the women never seemed to like me from the moment i asked if this was where the interviews were being held, she sort of looked me up and down, and that would be fine because she has a right to, but the way she did it wasnt an interest of my style or whatever, it was more, a look that could make someone feel like a tramp. She asked me lots of questions, and i asnwered them in a way that i really dont think could have went any better, i knew she hated me, so i felt uneasy. All i was asked to do, was read, a short verse, as the course requires someone good at english, which according to my exam results i am extremely good at english, so i wasnt worried one bit. I got a letter today to say i had been refused, now this being the first interview, i never got to perform, that would have happened the second time, i would perform either a song a dance or an act, i would have danced and done a reading. So if they dont know what i have to offer, how the fuck can i be rejected? Really, all she knows is what i look like and what animals i have, which really has fuck all to do with the course. I was so angry, fair enough if it was some big drama school that people like Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant had atteneded, then yes that would be fine. But in actuall fact it is a shitty wee college in the middle of a shitty wee place, where no one good has came from so far. It's full of. let's see i think the best word to use here is retards. Not them all obviously, but about 50% is. So that's my confidence knocked to fuck, if im not good enough for their, maybe i should just give up and work in a chip shop untill im 70. Things arent looking good, i dont have anything to look forward to now, there is no jobs, i dont want to to anything else at college, so life is shit. I'm loaded with the cold and feel like shit, which dosent help. I'm so gutted. I've just sat on the internet all day, doing nothing. I'm away to keep on doing nothing on the internet x

ehh

Well, things have been shit, i thought i was doing good, but then i took a panic attack, and was like what the fuck, i actually thought i was dying, i tried to get out of my bed to say bye to my hamster. and that made me wonder, why did i take it, maybe im not so good. Then the next night, i went for a bath and i couldnt find my glasses anywhere, it was about 1am, my mum was sleeping, and i checked every room id been in about 6 times each just kept going up and down the stairs putting lights on and off, i was in tears, going off my head, dead emotional about these fucking glasses, and i couldnt even see to look for them. so eventually i looked in the stupid places, the sink, the cupboard and so on. i opened the fridge and right at the back my glasses were there, just lying as if id placed them specially in there. It might sound funny to you, what an idiot she is youll probably be saying. but i seen it as more than that, never in my life have i done something like that, i mean im only 17, maybe when im 70 its acceptable. I was actually scared. And with the panick attack, i really am wondering if i am just getting worse. Still no sign of councilling from the doctors, it probably wouldnt help but its worth a try. I also noticed that ive been trying to pretend that im leading someone else's life, someone with lots to do, its weird i suppose. So my big brother came down last night with Lisa and Kai, they always cheer us up, so it was good, took my mind of it. Im at my boyfriends right now, waiting desperately for jonathon ross to come on, as he makes me laugh.
I also refused completely to go out in town today, it was roasting and nice, and i was scared to go out. what could that mean.

What a mess x

yeah thanks

to the doctor for arranging the councilling meetings. its been ages and still nothing and today i think i might actually just kill someone. Im so angry and emotional and i hate it

So

It's been so long since i last posted many things have changed. For one i gave up my job, when i told my doctor he agreed, said it was for the best, and i thought and had thought for a while the same, but now i kinda regret it, maybe a tiny bit. I don't have any money. I don't really mind that much, its just i hate depending on my mum for cigarettes and stuff when i've done it on my own for so much. I've actually not been doing anything, just sleeping untill late, play with the hamster for a bit then watch tv, its crap. Doesn't help anything. Big news in the family, but there is no way in hell i would write it on this, no way. But it is actually so depressing. I've never heard anything like it in my life. I suppose i've been kinda hiding from the fact that Uncle Robert had gone, whenever it comes to mind i change the subject instantly. People ask me why i left my job and college, and well i've said to a few the doctor said it was for the best, and i could actually say it without you know crying. But tonight i got asked and i never mentioned it, i dont know why, i never thought in that time the reply was to be said, i just instantly said, well i dont want to work or go to college theres time for that. There's not really time for that, well obviously their is, but if i get lazy and put everything off ill become a down and out, and i dont want to.
The thing that cheers me up the most right now, is probably the new irn bru advert. That's pretty depressing. anyway im away just now, i'll write again soon. the blog tonight is a lot of crap, i've not opened up right.
xxx

life

is actually so stupid

Well

Its Saturday the 17th, been a long week really, seen a few changes in people, my mum is managing to hold up a bit better than before which is good.

Ehh, ive not really been doing that good, i just cant bare the shock in the morning when i get up it kinda gets worse every day.
I really dont know what to do anymore.

Gutted

So its easter sunday today, and Uncle Roberts ashes were put into the river across from his house. Barry gave me a lift up to my house as i was at Richies. We had a few fags when we got their, and then My Mum, Jimmy, Anne, Hazel-Ann, Ali, Barry, Aynslie ,Lynsey, Jason and me set off down the river walk, we found the ideal location just along from a wee bench, Barry lit insence sticks and stuck them in the grass. He opened the box and put them in water as everyone stared, scared for it to happen, everyone put things in, we all had a rose each, everyone put in different things, that ment something to them. I never liked it really, so im not going into to much detail. It was nice though, for Robert, even though i never liked the whole thing. Anne said a wee thing, it was actually the verse that was written in the funeral parlour, when we went to see him, and it was lovely, it gave you hope. We all went back to our house afterwards, and just had a laugh, it was nice, everyone being together. I'm back at Richies now. dont know if this is even possible, but for some reason, i still dont beleive it? Every morning when i get up its even more shocking? I absolutely hate it, i can keep it off my mind for short periods of time, but its not long at all. I get really angry at times and take it our on Richie, which is a shame, cause hes actually the nicest person you could ever meet. But i think it is kind of expected. He's away making me something to eat. I think every time ive posted, he's been doing that! My wee hamster is fine, hes a wee cheeky baby. Whenever i put his food in his bowl in the morning he kicks it all out. I love it, he cheers me right up. My mum goes back to work tomorrow, it's easter monday so she's only going to one job, the other is on holiday, i hope its okay for her, everyone says that once things get back to normal, it will be ok. But to be honest i really really don't think so. Annes going back after the easter holidays but starting on a wednesday, so she dosent need to do a full week, incase its too hard, and it will be. I don't think im going back to mine, i've wanted rid of it for ages, but never really thought about it, but i've had a good think about everything recently, and for me thats the best option. I would work another job, but that one just isnt suitable for me. I've probably told you(?) that allready. I've downloaded so many films in the past few weeks, i'm surprised i still have room left for anything on this computer, i've got a few going just now. Bedtime stories is finished, i'll watch that later, it's got Russell Brand in it, so hopefully he'll work his magic and cheer me up again. I wish i could live with him, not just because the fact hes the most handsome man in the world, but because he could put a smile on my face even by just smiling haha, if you get me? Don't tell Richie about the handsome part though. haha. I'm only kidding anyway, Richie is nicer, obviously. I like talking crap, i just talk about anything to keep my mind off it, and ive been putting my ipod on and singing over the top of the music, haha so loud that a cant even think, if you get me.
Well really this must have been the stupidest post ever, just a constant rant about anything, and im still going on. Nah im away now to find something else to do. I'll write again soon. Bye

hmm

So, the week has seemed to drag past, just been same old. However i went to see Russell Brand last night, at the secc in glasgow, and it really cheered me up, he was absolutely hilarious, i was in the front row, i never realised how close it was untill i sat down, i was well chuffed, he took a while to come on, i was seated at quarter past seven, one act was on and then he showed up about quarter past night, was a long wait, but well worth it, i wasnt even going to go, all week i had said no, but my mum persuaded me to go, and i am so happy she did. He walked on all beautiful and glamarous, and i was like wow. He came down to the audience and like got a look at who was there, and when he looked at me i actually got butterflies haha. but anyway he was hilarious, and yeah it made me feel a bit better, so now ive got something to think about when im down.
So, tomorrow, easter sunday, my uncles ashes are getting put in the river across from his house which is also across from ours. I think its half 2, everyone there will need to walk through the field in wellies, and probably fall down swamps and get stung with nettles, so he'll have a good laugh. Thats the most important thing, maybe well get a laugh aswell.
Actually when i was sitting there, infront of Mr Brand, I had a good think aswell, some of the stuff he said really hit me. I mean its true, that all the stuff he does, no matter how terrible it is, he might not exactly mean it, he just wants to make people laugh, maybe sometimes in some peoples views he takes it too far, but some people in the world will be laughing away at it. He also said, that he dosent understand why people can get so angry at the one person, and how its actually really pathetic, and yes it is, i mean out of all the things to do, people will go on youtube and specifically search a video of him just to leave hate comments. which really is ridiculous, he said he dosent actually give a fuck cause hes away up high and them people are low.
Out of all the things happening in the world people choose to go and hate a COMEDIAN.
Ive not done much today, ive only smoked about 8 fags, its now 11pm, so that is really weird, but also good of me. Ive sat on the internet since about 3, wow, thats long. sorry if im not making any sense. i thought about going back to college today in august, but not to do fashion this time, maybe something a bit more exciting, like drama. But im still undecided on that one. Richies away getting me a cheese and pickle sandwich, ive ate crap all day, but it is easter so im sure im not the only one. I also thought about doing so many different things today, i was going to start an online college class, but i never realised that they were that expensive, i wanted to arrange flowers, i wanted to do my hair all nice, i wanted to go out tonight, i wanted to have a laugh. But none of them happened. I might draw later, i drew a picture of richie the other night, i never thought it could take your mind of everything so much, i was so lost in different sizes and different shading. Anyway im away now, to hopefully have a nice dream, and a good sleep so im ready for the morning. I hope it all goes well.

hmmm

My birthday has been and gone, it was okay, quite a normal day really, except more people, and cards. My boyfriend got me a hamster it cheered me up, i love him hes called bear. a wee white dwarf one. I'm at my boyfriends again, been here since saturday. Richie stayed at mine on friday and on the saturday morning, my mum, Richie, Barry, Lisa, Kai and me set of early, to go to the buddhist monastry in Dumfries, or near there. It was a lovely place, we got to walk about and look at all the different things, we got lunch at half 12, was only a fiver, for all you can eat. It was a good day, we never got back untill about 10 at night. Going back to work next monday, well im supposed to be but to be honest, i really dont want to, the only reason im there of course is for the money, and recently i've been thinking theres a lot more to life than money. Life is actually really scary. At the start of the year i would have sat and told you all the things i plan to do through the year, start driving, go to college, go on holiday, save money i get from my job, but now im just trying to get each day through, keeping my mind of things as much as possible. I'm supposed to be going to see Russell Brand on friday, i was actually supposed to go on february the 15th, but he cancelled, i was extremely gutted at that to be honest, had myself all hyped up, it was actually the best weekend id had in ages if he hadnt cancelled. My uncles birthday was on the thursday, he had a party, all the family there, i was working that day, and was dead excited about it, it was a great night, a good laugh. i then had the friday off, to spend time with richie, work a shift on saturday, on a weeks holiday, that was especially booked for russell brand. But i really dont want to go, i bought the ticket on ebay for £50 quid, and now the fact that i probably dont have a job, makes me feel the need to go, because it is a lot of money at loss. It's to late to sell it anyway. I've rambled on about anything really. I really dont know if it makes sense. Who cares. My heads so messed up just now. No one really knows how i feel, i prefer keeping it to myself. When i was at the buddihst monastry, i actually thought maybe i should take the robes up, when we were leaving i actually had to stop myself from running back and doing so. It's peaceful, everyones happy and knows where they are. I think its a great way to live. I thought about giving up smoking today, but as sad as it is, there the only real thing to be excited about in a day. I've ate so much as well, chocolate, chocolate, pies, and more chocolate. Good friday this friday, russell brand, i dont even think he could cheer me up. Hopefully it all goes fine somehow.
Anyway, I'm away to have a bath and then probably sit up untill about 5am watching richie on the xbox. I'll post soon. (haha, i wonder who im actually talking to - no-one) im probably just reminding myself of this. Bye.

Time

It hasn't been long since i posted last, but it feels like a year ago. Uncle Roberts room was cleaned out on saturday the 28th, i think that was the date. That night i had a dream, i hated the dream but at the same time i loved it because he was there, still talking and walking away. I've not been staying at home, been at Richies - my boyfriends. I find it a bit easier here, because there is lots of stuff to keep my mind of it, and he helps as well. It's my birthday on thursday, i dont think i could be dreading it any more. I hope tonight and tomorrow drags on as long as possible. My Granny seems to be doing quite good, she surprised everyone. My mum and Anne arent though. I wish i could help them, but i cant. I've been on the internet all day, watching downloads going, for hours on end. Richies pal is here, he put on braveheart and of course thats probably the worst thing that could be done, its a film thats loved greatly by the family, and seen as the best thing ever, and it made me feel.... scared i think. I wanted to get out the room, but i didnt want to be myself, so i came here instead. I feel like a maniac writing this but at the same time it helps.
I'm away just now, to bring the washing in or something.

The Good Memories Are The Only Ones That Matter.

Sunday 8th March 2009, the death of Robert Hillhouse. Something many people, including myself, just simply cannot handle. I dont want to broadcast this everywhere, infact im sure it will be very private, but i feel it may help me as i hate talking aloud about it, and may even help other people if they do come across it. I got the phone call, about an hour and a half after it happened, i couldnt beleive it - still cant. I sat for a while with richie - my boyfriend, staring at the tv but i could hear nothing. Robert was one for getting drunk and pretending he was dead, as daft as it sounds it was funny when he done it. The thought that maybe he was extremely drunk and just making a big joke, occurred to me, every second of the day. But sadly it wasnt true. I went home to be with the family, to my granny's this is where Robert lived, he was there with granny everyday, how can she cope? I waited outside for a cigarette, in fact it turned out to be 2, one lit straight after. The weather was terribe, i was standing staring at the garden with tears streaming down my face remembering the sunny day, kevin, robert and me, had sat out in the sun, they were having a drink, i was of course far to young, he decided to pretend he was dead, Kevin beleived him, but i knew he was joking. That made it worse thinking about good times of course, because they wont ever happen again? I went inside, my granny, and my mum, Mother and sister to Robert, seeing them made it even more real. I ran to the kitchen crying, but soon stopped and made coffee. My granny sat phoning people, strange maybe, but her head was all over the place, everyone says she does it for different reasons, i personally think she told as much people as she could, as she wanted his funeral to be a fantastic turn out. My granny never wanted anything to do with it, she never wanted any undertakers in her house, she never wanted to see Robert when he was ready with his slippers and joggies on, she wanted to remember him the way she has in her head, which is fair enough. The following day, was a blur, i spent most of it on my own, in my room crying, everyone was still at grannys. I went at 8:30 pm, my mum was in a state, she hadnt slept or ate at all, and her eyes were red raw, she was having vodka, she thought it would make it better? but probably only made it worse. Everyone just went about in trances, being extremely careful with words. I wanted to be myself. I stayed at my grans that night, slept on the couch, my mum and aynslie sat up all night, barry had a few hours sleep. the next day everyone was up early, big day things to do, i went to my bed at home, i ate about 40 cakes, smoked about 200 cigarettes and drank about 80 cups of coffee. Could be a slight exagerration there, but my family is know for that. That day slowly past, the next day i was up early, Anne- Roberts partner of 15 years, was coming with her daughter Hazel - Ann and so was the undertaker. My heart goes out to Anne the most, Robert was her man, how could she go on without telling him all the stories, or going on holiday without him, or waking up at the weekend and seeing he wasnt there. I never realised how close Hazel Ann and Robert were, i dont know why i didnt, but Robert was giving her away at her wedding next year, and when i found that out, i couldnt stop crying for her.
The undertaker came. what a lovely guy - Alex. he told us the score, it was all money and choosing different things, and i didnt care. He phoned my mum later that day, the funeral would be thursday. Great, we dont need to wait much longer, everyone was saying. I never understood that, i wanted it to last as long as possible because i knew once he was away, that was it, no hope, nothing. Everyone had ran out of tears so it wasnt as bad? Wednesday was a big rush, had to go shopping for things to wear at his funeral, pick up people to bring them down for it, had to order flowers, the list could go on. I cried all the way in the car, we were going to see Robert in the funeral place, say final goodbyes, we were the last to see him, we are always late for everything. People thought maybe i was to young to see him, as at 16 i havent had much experience with deaths, my brother texted me saying " Be brave when you see Uncle Robert" I had planned things in my head to say, lots of things, i actually thought i would have to be asked to leave because i would talk so much. I asked to go last, as i thought i would get more time with him, not having to rush for everyone else to get a chance, my mum went in first with stewart and came back out crying but also pleased, he was at peace. Eventually my turn came, i never knew what to expcet. There he was, in his coffin, his blue t-shirt on, which looked extremely comfy, his hands were together, with rosary beads wrapped around him, and a little verse i had written for him sat under his hands, i was shocked, still expecting him to jump up and laugh. His face had colour, i never knew he had make up put on him, his lips were flat, i also never knew he go places sewn together. I was scared a little i think, even although he was my Uncle Robert and never hurt a fly, i still hadnt said anything, i wasnt crying, just in shock, i took a look around, it was a lovely place he was in. Eventually i spoke " i love you, you know that dont you" that was it, i walked out, i never really wanted to, but my body seemed to force me. My mum and my sister stood waiting for me, and i burst out crying. He really was dead. We never had time to do anything else straight home, changed and up to the chapel, where he would sleep for the night. It was horrible. That night, i couldnt sleep i wanted to sleep with people around me, but that couldnt be. I got up the next day, i tried to be strong for Robert, i knew i would see him again one day, when it was my turn, and i knew he wasnt in pain any longer, so i was pleased at the fact i wasnt crying and didnt really have any intention of doing so. The mass was at 9am, pretty early so not much time to think, i got ready, trying to look as good as i could for him. I got to the chapel. On his coffin was a picture of him, his teeth so white, big happy smile, everyone commented on what a good picture it was, it was him when he was healthy and very much happy. The mass started, everyone was falling apart, i could hear people crying everywhere. My heart really went out to everyone, i wanted them all to feel the way i did, that everything would be fine eventually one day, everyone would be back together, but obviously people werent ready to think like that yet. The mass was lovely, it was a great turn out, something he would be extremely pleased about. The Priest read out a sort of tribute thing, that Hazel Ann and Anne had wrote, it was lovely, all the best times of Robert, and everyone in the family shared their best memory of him. I would write it in here, but i dont really feel strong enough to do it just now. Everyone laughed, as almost everything Robert did had a funny side to it. It was then at the end when the first song came on, Brian Kennedy - You Raise Me Up. That was enough to destroy anybody, even a stranger from the street, such a beautiful song, I never wanted to wait, untill the song finished, as it was to much, and to be honest i dont think anyone else could take it either, as we were quick to leave, straight behind him in his coffin. Everyone was in a rush to try and get to the crematorium, but of course my sister left her bag in the chapel, and when she ran into get it, some man decided to have a chat with her. Business as usual. Anne was behind him, i was pleased at that, but also pleased at all the people i could see behind me, he would be so pleased that all these cars were there following him, just a shame it wasnt under different circumstances. We got to the crematorium and ran in, we went to out seats, he got brought in, by the family, it wasnt well planned, some were about 6 feet tall and others were about 3, but things would never be normal in our family. But thats how we like it. The mass in there was short, i just wanted to lift the coffin and take it home with me in my pocket. I was absolutely terrified of the curtain closing, i would have sat there for the rest of my life, because there is some hope still there, kind of. Of course, the curtain had to be closed, i was waiting on the song coming on, before it happened so people had a second to whisper a goodbye to a song he loved the most but it started closing as the priest still said words. That was the end of me, and probably every single person in there, i didnt say goodbye, because i didnt want to, not yet. Jason, Anne and my mum stood at the exit thanking everyone for coming, and me stood next to them, i felt so out of place, people were shaking my hand, and i had no idea what to say or do. We left quickly, it was so hard to believe that it was all over, in my mind, i always thought that you got back to normal straight away but i was so wrong, it was the hardest thing possible. We went to The Horizon for tea afterwards, it was nice, but i never knew what to say. The next couple of days dragged in, family all around, trying to make each other feel better, but whats the point, it wouldnt work. Everyone is still in shock, walking about in trances. I think the best way is to put on a brave face, as hard as it is, it helps the other people around. I really wish i had some power in me to make everyone feel better, i know nothing will ever be the same, everyone keeps telling me things will get better in time, but only time will tell................