ehh

Well, things have been shit, i thought i was doing good, but then i took a panic attack, and was like what the fuck, i actually thought i was dying, i tried to get out of my bed to say bye to my hamster. and that made me wonder, why did i take it, maybe im not so good. Then the next night, i went for a bath and i couldnt find my glasses anywhere, it was about 1am, my mum was sleeping, and i checked every room id been in about 6 times each just kept going up and down the stairs putting lights on and off, i was in tears, going off my head, dead emotional about these fucking glasses, and i couldnt even see to look for them. so eventually i looked in the stupid places, the sink, the cupboard and so on. i opened the fridge and right at the back my glasses were there, just lying as if id placed them specially in there. It might sound funny to you, what an idiot she is youll probably be saying. but i seen it as more than that, never in my life have i done something like that, i mean im only 17, maybe when im 70 its acceptable. I was actually scared. And with the panick attack, i really am wondering if i am just getting worse. Still no sign of councilling from the doctors, it probably wouldnt help but its worth a try. I also noticed that ive been trying to pretend that im leading someone else's life, someone with lots to do, its weird i suppose. So my big brother came down last night with Lisa and Kai, they always cheer us up, so it was good, took my mind of it. Im at my boyfriends right now, waiting desperately for jonathon ross to come on, as he makes me laugh.
I also refused completely to go out in town today, it was roasting and nice, and i was scared to go out. what could that mean.

What a mess x