what a world

So, i'm not sure if i mentioned this, but i had an interview at Ayr college, to do an NC Performing Arts course, i was really excited about this course as it's what i really want to do, and make it my future. So on the day of the interview i got all nicely dressed, make up to perfection and hair. My mum gave me a good luck thing, it was a wee tiny golf man, that came from my Uncle Robert's birthday cake. So that was nice. The interview never went well, as the women never seemed to like me from the moment i asked if this was where the interviews were being held, she sort of looked me up and down, and that would be fine because she has a right to, but the way she did it wasnt an interest of my style or whatever, it was more, a look that could make someone feel like a tramp. She asked me lots of questions, and i asnwered them in a way that i really dont think could have went any better, i knew she hated me, so i felt uneasy. All i was asked to do, was read, a short verse, as the course requires someone good at english, which according to my exam results i am extremely good at english, so i wasnt worried one bit. I got a letter today to say i had been refused, now this being the first interview, i never got to perform, that would have happened the second time, i would perform either a song a dance or an act, i would have danced and done a reading. So if they dont know what i have to offer, how the fuck can i be rejected? Really, all she knows is what i look like and what animals i have, which really has fuck all to do with the course. I was so angry, fair enough if it was some big drama school that people like Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant had atteneded, then yes that would be fine. But in actuall fact it is a shitty wee college in the middle of a shitty wee place, where no one good has came from so far. It's full of. let's see i think the best word to use here is retards. Not them all obviously, but about 50% is. So that's my confidence knocked to fuck, if im not good enough for their, maybe i should just give up and work in a chip shop untill im 70. Things arent looking good, i dont have anything to look forward to now, there is no jobs, i dont want to to anything else at college, so life is shit. I'm loaded with the cold and feel like shit, which dosent help. I'm so gutted. I've just sat on the internet all day, doing nothing. I'm away to keep on doing nothing on the internet x

ehh

Well, things have been shit, i thought i was doing good, but then i took a panic attack, and was like what the fuck, i actually thought i was dying, i tried to get out of my bed to say bye to my hamster. and that made me wonder, why did i take it, maybe im not so good. Then the next night, i went for a bath and i couldnt find my glasses anywhere, it was about 1am, my mum was sleeping, and i checked every room id been in about 6 times each just kept going up and down the stairs putting lights on and off, i was in tears, going off my head, dead emotional about these fucking glasses, and i couldnt even see to look for them. so eventually i looked in the stupid places, the sink, the cupboard and so on. i opened the fridge and right at the back my glasses were there, just lying as if id placed them specially in there. It might sound funny to you, what an idiot she is youll probably be saying. but i seen it as more than that, never in my life have i done something like that, i mean im only 17, maybe when im 70 its acceptable. I was actually scared. And with the panick attack, i really am wondering if i am just getting worse. Still no sign of councilling from the doctors, it probably wouldnt help but its worth a try. I also noticed that ive been trying to pretend that im leading someone else's life, someone with lots to do, its weird i suppose. So my big brother came down last night with Lisa and Kai, they always cheer us up, so it was good, took my mind of it. Im at my boyfriends right now, waiting desperately for jonathon ross to come on, as he makes me laugh.
I also refused completely to go out in town today, it was roasting and nice, and i was scared to go out. what could that mean.

What a mess x

yeah thanks

to the doctor for arranging the councilling meetings. its been ages and still nothing and today i think i might actually just kill someone. Im so angry and emotional and i hate it

So

It's been so long since i last posted many things have changed. For one i gave up my job, when i told my doctor he agreed, said it was for the best, and i thought and had thought for a while the same, but now i kinda regret it, maybe a tiny bit. I don't have any money. I don't really mind that much, its just i hate depending on my mum for cigarettes and stuff when i've done it on my own for so much. I've actually not been doing anything, just sleeping untill late, play with the hamster for a bit then watch tv, its crap. Doesn't help anything. Big news in the family, but there is no way in hell i would write it on this, no way. But it is actually so depressing. I've never heard anything like it in my life. I suppose i've been kinda hiding from the fact that Uncle Robert had gone, whenever it comes to mind i change the subject instantly. People ask me why i left my job and college, and well i've said to a few the doctor said it was for the best, and i could actually say it without you know crying. But tonight i got asked and i never mentioned it, i dont know why, i never thought in that time the reply was to be said, i just instantly said, well i dont want to work or go to college theres time for that. There's not really time for that, well obviously their is, but if i get lazy and put everything off ill become a down and out, and i dont want to.
The thing that cheers me up the most right now, is probably the new irn bru advert. That's pretty depressing. anyway im away just now, i'll write again soon. the blog tonight is a lot of crap, i've not opened up right.
xxx

life

is actually so stupid