Well

Its Saturday the 17th, been a long week really, seen a few changes in people, my mum is managing to hold up a bit better than before which is good.

Ehh, ive not really been doing that good, i just cant bare the shock in the morning when i get up it kinda gets worse every day.
I really dont know what to do anymore.

Gutted

So its easter sunday today, and Uncle Roberts ashes were put into the river across from his house. Barry gave me a lift up to my house as i was at Richies. We had a few fags when we got their, and then My Mum, Jimmy, Anne, Hazel-Ann, Ali, Barry, Aynslie ,Lynsey, Jason and me set off down the river walk, we found the ideal location just along from a wee bench, Barry lit insence sticks and stuck them in the grass. He opened the box and put them in water as everyone stared, scared for it to happen, everyone put things in, we all had a rose each, everyone put in different things, that ment something to them. I never liked it really, so im not going into to much detail. It was nice though, for Robert, even though i never liked the whole thing. Anne said a wee thing, it was actually the verse that was written in the funeral parlour, when we went to see him, and it was lovely, it gave you hope. We all went back to our house afterwards, and just had a laugh, it was nice, everyone being together. I'm back at Richies now. dont know if this is even possible, but for some reason, i still dont beleive it? Every morning when i get up its even more shocking? I absolutely hate it, i can keep it off my mind for short periods of time, but its not long at all. I get really angry at times and take it our on Richie, which is a shame, cause hes actually the nicest person you could ever meet. But i think it is kind of expected. He's away making me something to eat. I think every time ive posted, he's been doing that! My wee hamster is fine, hes a wee cheeky baby. Whenever i put his food in his bowl in the morning he kicks it all out. I love it, he cheers me right up. My mum goes back to work tomorrow, it's easter monday so she's only going to one job, the other is on holiday, i hope its okay for her, everyone says that once things get back to normal, it will be ok. But to be honest i really really don't think so. Annes going back after the easter holidays but starting on a wednesday, so she dosent need to do a full week, incase its too hard, and it will be. I don't think im going back to mine, i've wanted rid of it for ages, but never really thought about it, but i've had a good think about everything recently, and for me thats the best option. I would work another job, but that one just isnt suitable for me. I've probably told you(?) that allready. I've downloaded so many films in the past few weeks, i'm surprised i still have room left for anything on this computer, i've got a few going just now. Bedtime stories is finished, i'll watch that later, it's got Russell Brand in it, so hopefully he'll work his magic and cheer me up again. I wish i could live with him, not just because the fact hes the most handsome man in the world, but because he could put a smile on my face even by just smiling haha, if you get me? Don't tell Richie about the handsome part though. haha. I'm only kidding anyway, Richie is nicer, obviously. I like talking crap, i just talk about anything to keep my mind off it, and ive been putting my ipod on and singing over the top of the music, haha so loud that a cant even think, if you get me.
Well really this must have been the stupidest post ever, just a constant rant about anything, and im still going on. Nah im away now to find something else to do. I'll write again soon. Bye

hmm

So, the week has seemed to drag past, just been same old. However i went to see Russell Brand last night, at the secc in glasgow, and it really cheered me up, he was absolutely hilarious, i was in the front row, i never realised how close it was untill i sat down, i was well chuffed, he took a while to come on, i was seated at quarter past seven, one act was on and then he showed up about quarter past night, was a long wait, but well worth it, i wasnt even going to go, all week i had said no, but my mum persuaded me to go, and i am so happy she did. He walked on all beautiful and glamarous, and i was like wow. He came down to the audience and like got a look at who was there, and when he looked at me i actually got butterflies haha. but anyway he was hilarious, and yeah it made me feel a bit better, so now ive got something to think about when im down.
So, tomorrow, easter sunday, my uncles ashes are getting put in the river across from his house which is also across from ours. I think its half 2, everyone there will need to walk through the field in wellies, and probably fall down swamps and get stung with nettles, so he'll have a good laugh. Thats the most important thing, maybe well get a laugh aswell.
Actually when i was sitting there, infront of Mr Brand, I had a good think aswell, some of the stuff he said really hit me. I mean its true, that all the stuff he does, no matter how terrible it is, he might not exactly mean it, he just wants to make people laugh, maybe sometimes in some peoples views he takes it too far, but some people in the world will be laughing away at it. He also said, that he dosent understand why people can get so angry at the one person, and how its actually really pathetic, and yes it is, i mean out of all the things to do, people will go on youtube and specifically search a video of him just to leave hate comments. which really is ridiculous, he said he dosent actually give a fuck cause hes away up high and them people are low.
Out of all the things happening in the world people choose to go and hate a COMEDIAN.
Ive not done much today, ive only smoked about 8 fags, its now 11pm, so that is really weird, but also good of me. Ive sat on the internet since about 3, wow, thats long. sorry if im not making any sense. i thought about going back to college today in august, but not to do fashion this time, maybe something a bit more exciting, like drama. But im still undecided on that one. Richies away getting me a cheese and pickle sandwich, ive ate crap all day, but it is easter so im sure im not the only one. I also thought about doing so many different things today, i was going to start an online college class, but i never realised that they were that expensive, i wanted to arrange flowers, i wanted to do my hair all nice, i wanted to go out tonight, i wanted to have a laugh. But none of them happened. I might draw later, i drew a picture of richie the other night, i never thought it could take your mind of everything so much, i was so lost in different sizes and different shading. Anyway im away now, to hopefully have a nice dream, and a good sleep so im ready for the morning. I hope it all goes well.

hmmm

My birthday has been and gone, it was okay, quite a normal day really, except more people, and cards. My boyfriend got me a hamster it cheered me up, i love him hes called bear. a wee white dwarf one. I'm at my boyfriends again, been here since saturday. Richie stayed at mine on friday and on the saturday morning, my mum, Richie, Barry, Lisa, Kai and me set of early, to go to the buddhist monastry in Dumfries, or near there. It was a lovely place, we got to walk about and look at all the different things, we got lunch at half 12, was only a fiver, for all you can eat. It was a good day, we never got back untill about 10 at night. Going back to work next monday, well im supposed to be but to be honest, i really dont want to, the only reason im there of course is for the money, and recently i've been thinking theres a lot more to life than money. Life is actually really scary. At the start of the year i would have sat and told you all the things i plan to do through the year, start driving, go to college, go on holiday, save money i get from my job, but now im just trying to get each day through, keeping my mind of things as much as possible. I'm supposed to be going to see Russell Brand on friday, i was actually supposed to go on february the 15th, but he cancelled, i was extremely gutted at that to be honest, had myself all hyped up, it was actually the best weekend id had in ages if he hadnt cancelled. My uncles birthday was on the thursday, he had a party, all the family there, i was working that day, and was dead excited about it, it was a great night, a good laugh. i then had the friday off, to spend time with richie, work a shift on saturday, on a weeks holiday, that was especially booked for russell brand. But i really dont want to go, i bought the ticket on ebay for £50 quid, and now the fact that i probably dont have a job, makes me feel the need to go, because it is a lot of money at loss. It's to late to sell it anyway. I've rambled on about anything really. I really dont know if it makes sense. Who cares. My heads so messed up just now. No one really knows how i feel, i prefer keeping it to myself. When i was at the buddihst monastry, i actually thought maybe i should take the robes up, when we were leaving i actually had to stop myself from running back and doing so. It's peaceful, everyones happy and knows where they are. I think its a great way to live. I thought about giving up smoking today, but as sad as it is, there the only real thing to be excited about in a day. I've ate so much as well, chocolate, chocolate, pies, and more chocolate. Good friday this friday, russell brand, i dont even think he could cheer me up. Hopefully it all goes fine somehow.
Anyway, I'm away to have a bath and then probably sit up untill about 5am watching richie on the xbox. I'll post soon. (haha, i wonder who im actually talking to - no-one) im probably just reminding myself of this. Bye.