Friday 12th February 2010.

Happy Birthday Uncle Robert :)
Hmm. So, today is his birthday, never bought him anything, made him a card though, put it up at the start of the week.
First post of the new year, it has been hard. I won't lie. It's been very hard. But i'm getting there, every so often i snap, but apart from that i grin and bare it :)
i'm not really sure what to say now to be honest.
words arent really my strong point right now haha
x

28th July

So this is probably one of the worst days of my life. About a week ago, i split up with my boyfriend of 2 years. He said he was'nt happy anymore. The week afterwards i felt not too bad, a few bad moments, but that's fine. I honestly could'nt beleive how strong i was, so much has happened, and look at me. I was proud of myself. Then about 3 nights ago, i broke down, i honestly could not see the point in anything, i just could'nt understand, why so many bad things had happened. But i went to bed and got up the next day feeling better. Untill today, i stayed up the whole of last night chatting to him online, i honestly felt great, he was telling me about this girl, how much they had in common, that she was pretty, except he never wanted a relationship with anyone, as i was in a good mood i thought it dosent make sense not to. Some days i feel positive about everything, others not a thing. So i was on my positive about everything - whats the worst that could happen, never say never, you've got nothing to loose - blah blah. So i kept pushing, just go out with her, meet up. He proved lots of times he didnt want a relationship. I asked to see her (bad idea) and when he sent me a picture, i dont know what happened, maybe seeing her showed me it was real, and i couldnt bare it. So, i wanted to do some research, i viewed comments from her to him, this is what hurt the most. I was never mentioned once... example? One day, i was out the back having a fag, he was out with me, the cat ran out we thought he had got caught up in grass, then i screamed hes taking a fit. he went to the vets and was fine and so on. But in the comment to her, it was said, he was in the garden getting the washing in, and that he realised the cat was in actual fact taking a fit. I mean i may be paranoid, but from a man that has never took washing in in his life, i found it sorta funny. Maybe he left me because he liked her, and that was the killer.
I thought, what a fool. We had a talk, some how i seemed to be the bad one for thinking this, really? but we sorted it out, and he just said it to get the point across, and he's sorry for not saying my name and so on. So, we agreed to like talk later online again, he's still not on, which is crap, because i can't sleep untill i can talk nicely to him.
I feel so stupid for still being all worried about how he feels and things, when he was the one that left me, as in, does he even care... kinda thing. I really can't stand the feelings and the pain i have. I feel like a right idiot for writing all these gay things, but im only human after all. I'm just so pleased i have music, its always helps a little.

Eventually

Got a letter for an appointment at a counceller, but its took so long, i wonder if theres any point i mean ive managed this long without anyones help

hmmm

Do not stand at my grave and weep;

I am not there. I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry;

I am not there. I did not die.

That was what was read when we scattered his ashes, i just found it. And it sort of brought everything back. It's been a while. I may have wrote things abous Jason on this, maybe nice things. I cant remember. But all these things have now changed. I'm not going to go into them. But i really don't think he took anything from Robert. Not a thing. Hes a pathetic stupid man. I have been feeling all weird emotions recently, due to what hes done. I'm not completely myself, havent been for a while. I listen to mucis all the time, and i can now say every song i listen to brings a memory of him. I was in the car with my mum the other day, and Katy Perry was on. And i kept laughing of wee things he used to to, like when it rained and he was driving, he would not turn the windowwipers on for so long, as if he was seeing how long he could go without them, and the time he was drunk and fell on me, i was like 8 he thought it was hilarious and i couldnt breathe but i laughed so much, and the time me him and kevin sat in the garden, all day. They were drinking, i was young, but i honestly had the best day ever. We sat on a blanket in the garden. I loved it. And i kept laughing in the car, and i though, great i have now got to the point where i could laugh about him. But that cant be because im crying now.
I am going to the tattoo convention in London in September, i was thinking i would maybe get a cowboy for Robert and an Indian for Kevin. Because Robert always had cowboy hats and stuff. And Kevin dressed as an Indian. I'm not sure though. I'll see at the time.

It's been a while

since i last wrote on here. Been hard but getting better at the same time, the hardest part was Charley's communion, it was lovely and all, but just simply not the same without him. I'm sure he was there in a way. I'm going to move on because writing about it is ever so hard.
I've just been doing nothing, watching big brother, people being stupid, it is ever so entertaining though.
I'm away now, i simply have nothing to say

what a world

So, i'm not sure if i mentioned this, but i had an interview at Ayr college, to do an NC Performing Arts course, i was really excited about this course as it's what i really want to do, and make it my future. So on the day of the interview i got all nicely dressed, make up to perfection and hair. My mum gave me a good luck thing, it was a wee tiny golf man, that came from my Uncle Robert's birthday cake. So that was nice. The interview never went well, as the women never seemed to like me from the moment i asked if this was where the interviews were being held, she sort of looked me up and down, and that would be fine because she has a right to, but the way she did it wasnt an interest of my style or whatever, it was more, a look that could make someone feel like a tramp. She asked me lots of questions, and i asnwered them in a way that i really dont think could have went any better, i knew she hated me, so i felt uneasy. All i was asked to do, was read, a short verse, as the course requires someone good at english, which according to my exam results i am extremely good at english, so i wasnt worried one bit. I got a letter today to say i had been refused, now this being the first interview, i never got to perform, that would have happened the second time, i would perform either a song a dance or an act, i would have danced and done a reading. So if they dont know what i have to offer, how the fuck can i be rejected? Really, all she knows is what i look like and what animals i have, which really has fuck all to do with the course. I was so angry, fair enough if it was some big drama school that people like Julia Roberts and Hugh Grant had atteneded, then yes that would be fine. But in actuall fact it is a shitty wee college in the middle of a shitty wee place, where no one good has came from so far. It's full of. let's see i think the best word to use here is retards. Not them all obviously, but about 50% is. So that's my confidence knocked to fuck, if im not good enough for their, maybe i should just give up and work in a chip shop untill im 70. Things arent looking good, i dont have anything to look forward to now, there is no jobs, i dont want to to anything else at college, so life is shit. I'm loaded with the cold and feel like shit, which dosent help. I'm so gutted. I've just sat on the internet all day, doing nothing. I'm away to keep on doing nothing on the internet x

ehh

Well, things have been shit, i thought i was doing good, but then i took a panic attack, and was like what the fuck, i actually thought i was dying, i tried to get out of my bed to say bye to my hamster. and that made me wonder, why did i take it, maybe im not so good. Then the next night, i went for a bath and i couldnt find my glasses anywhere, it was about 1am, my mum was sleeping, and i checked every room id been in about 6 times each just kept going up and down the stairs putting lights on and off, i was in tears, going off my head, dead emotional about these fucking glasses, and i couldnt even see to look for them. so eventually i looked in the stupid places, the sink, the cupboard and so on. i opened the fridge and right at the back my glasses were there, just lying as if id placed them specially in there. It might sound funny to you, what an idiot she is youll probably be saying. but i seen it as more than that, never in my life have i done something like that, i mean im only 17, maybe when im 70 its acceptable. I was actually scared. And with the panick attack, i really am wondering if i am just getting worse. Still no sign of councilling from the doctors, it probably wouldnt help but its worth a try. I also noticed that ive been trying to pretend that im leading someone else's life, someone with lots to do, its weird i suppose. So my big brother came down last night with Lisa and Kai, they always cheer us up, so it was good, took my mind of it. Im at my boyfriends right now, waiting desperately for jonathon ross to come on, as he makes me laugh.
I also refused completely to go out in town today, it was roasting and nice, and i was scared to go out. what could that mean.

What a mess x