28th July

So this is probably one of the worst days of my life. About a week ago, i split up with my boyfriend of 2 years. He said he was'nt happy anymore. The week afterwards i felt not too bad, a few bad moments, but that's fine. I honestly could'nt beleive how strong i was, so much has happened, and look at me. I was proud of myself. Then about 3 nights ago, i broke down, i honestly could not see the point in anything, i just could'nt understand, why so many bad things had happened. But i went to bed and got up the next day feeling better. Untill today, i stayed up the whole of last night chatting to him online, i honestly felt great, he was telling me about this girl, how much they had in common, that she was pretty, except he never wanted a relationship with anyone, as i was in a good mood i thought it dosent make sense not to. Some days i feel positive about everything, others not a thing. So i was on my positive about everything - whats the worst that could happen, never say never, you've got nothing to loose - blah blah. So i kept pushing, just go out with her, meet up. He proved lots of times he didnt want a relationship. I asked to see her (bad idea) and when he sent me a picture, i dont know what happened, maybe seeing her showed me it was real, and i couldnt bare it. So, i wanted to do some research, i viewed comments from her to him, this is what hurt the most. I was never mentioned once... example? One day, i was out the back having a fag, he was out with me, the cat ran out we thought he had got caught up in grass, then i screamed hes taking a fit. he went to the vets and was fine and so on. But in the comment to her, it was said, he was in the garden getting the washing in, and that he realised the cat was in actual fact taking a fit. I mean i may be paranoid, but from a man that has never took washing in in his life, i found it sorta funny. Maybe he left me because he liked her, and that was the killer.
I thought, what a fool. We had a talk, some how i seemed to be the bad one for thinking this, really? but we sorted it out, and he just said it to get the point across, and he's sorry for not saying my name and so on. So, we agreed to like talk later online again, he's still not on, which is crap, because i can't sleep untill i can talk nicely to him.
I feel so stupid for still being all worried about how he feels and things, when he was the one that left me, as in, does he even care... kinda thing. I really can't stand the feelings and the pain i have. I feel like a right idiot for writing all these gay things, but im only human after all. I'm just so pleased i have music, its always helps a little.

Eventually

Got a letter for an appointment at a counceller, but its took so long, i wonder if theres any point i mean ive managed this long without anyones help

hmmm

Do not stand at my grave and weep;

I am not there. I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry;

I am not there. I did not die.

That was what was read when we scattered his ashes, i just found it. And it sort of brought everything back. It's been a while. I may have wrote things abous Jason on this, maybe nice things. I cant remember. But all these things have now changed. I'm not going to go into them. But i really don't think he took anything from Robert. Not a thing. Hes a pathetic stupid man. I have been feeling all weird emotions recently, due to what hes done. I'm not completely myself, havent been for a while. I listen to mucis all the time, and i can now say every song i listen to brings a memory of him. I was in the car with my mum the other day, and Katy Perry was on. And i kept laughing of wee things he used to to, like when it rained and he was driving, he would not turn the windowwipers on for so long, as if he was seeing how long he could go without them, and the time he was drunk and fell on me, i was like 8 he thought it was hilarious and i couldnt breathe but i laughed so much, and the time me him and kevin sat in the garden, all day. They were drinking, i was young, but i honestly had the best day ever. We sat on a blanket in the garden. I loved it. And i kept laughing in the car, and i though, great i have now got to the point where i could laugh about him. But that cant be because im crying now.
I am going to the tattoo convention in London in September, i was thinking i would maybe get a cowboy for Robert and an Indian for Kevin. Because Robert always had cowboy hats and stuff. And Kevin dressed as an Indian. I'm not sure though. I'll see at the time.